Finding Strength in Him

When we are weak that seems the best time for the enemy to pounce on us, he seems to know exactly what makes us tick. He wants to drag us away from our Heavenly Father at any cost. This is what I have been experiencing lately. I feel like I’m trying to walk with God but the enemy has latched onto my back and is trying to slow me down and stop me in my tracks. I feel like every choice and every step takes an extra effort.

The enemy knows what my heart desires so he tempts me with it, only it is cheap! It hurts me, lets me down, and breaks my heart over and over. But I allow it because I am weak. I didn’t believe that I deserved anything better, that this was as good as it got. Oh how wrong I was! God heard my cries when I had my face to the floor crying out to Him. He heard me and said “My daughter! I love you! I know that you are weak and cannot let go of this yourself so I’m taking it from you. I have something glorious planned for you! Don’t settle for what the world has to offer you!”

This is one of the most painful, heart wrenching things I have ever been through. I didn’t want to hurt anymore but I couldn’t let go of what was hurting me. God literally had to rip it from my grasp and I had to surrender it to Him!  Every time I think about going back, I stop myself and remember that God has something so perfect for me! He has not forgotten about me. The opposite is happening, He is stretching me and reminding me to come to Him, to trust the plan He has for me, because it is so, so wonderful!

Your Darkness or His Light?

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about pain and heartache. Weird I know but it is something that I am going through right now. My question is this, why do we as humans choose to sulk in our pain instead of reaching for things that help us through?

As I have been delving into my pain and heartache I have noticed a pattern, when the going gets tough I tend to find myself holding onto the pain. It’s almost like I would rather be sad and moody instead of my normally chipper, smiling self. I just can’t muster the strength to reach for my Bible or my journal and work through it. I just sit there and think of all the good and bad memories and end up in tears. I would rather choose to sit alone in my darkness than seek happiness.

Here are some things that help me through a painful time – prayer, my Bible, journaling, talking to a friend, or sometimes just screaming at the top of my lungs while I’m driving (Yes! I may look crazy but sometimes you just need to release all the bad stuff).

Since I have been pondering this question for a while I asked a dear friend of mine, who I admire very much. Why is it that we choose to sulk in our pain instead of reaching for the things that help us through? Here is her response:

“Oh how I wish I had an answer for that one! We certainly all do it. It takes a wise person to realize the very thing they don’t want to do is exactly what they need to do and doing it will make them feel better. Sometimes we are too close to the situation to get out of it. We have to look at it from a distance and then take the steps needed to improve our situation.

On a more spiritual note; I believe we can only do the “right” thing with God’s power that lives in us.

I am of the theory that the enemy of God will do whatever it takes to keep us down.

·         If journaling helps with depression, he will put in your head 100 reasons why you shouldn’t journal. You are more useful to him when you are depressed.

·         If your weight has you discouraged; he will deceive you into believing that eating will make you feel better. You are more useful to him when you are discouraged.

·         If exercise energizes you and causes you to be healthy; he will fill your mind with lies about your ability and your body to keep you from trying. You are more useful to him when you are tired and unhealthy.

·         If reading your Bible makes you closer to God; this is where he pulls out the BIG GUNS!

Still – all of his attempts are powerless against the Almighty God.

                “For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength” – Philippians 4:13

That’s why I think, we humans, struggle with this. There is a spirit of evil that does whatever it can to trap us into a worthless feeling life. Only with God’s help can we overcome those lies.”

In my daily devotional, Jesus Calling by Sarah Young, this is what it said yesterday:

“Let me help you get through this day. There are many possible paths to travel between your getting up in the morning and your lying down at night. Stay alert to the many choice-points along the way, being continually aware of My Presence. You will get through this day one way or the other. One way is to moan and groan, stumbling along with shuffling feet. This will get you to the end of the day eventually, but there is a better way. You can choose to walk with Me along the path of Peace, leaning on Me as much as you need. There will still be difficulties along the way, but you can face them confidently in My strength. Thank Me for each problem you encounter, and watch to see how I transform trials into blessings. “

                “Because of God’s tender mercy, the morning light from heaven is about to break upon us, to give light to those who sit in darkness and in the shadows of death, and guide us to the path of peace. “                                                                                                                                                                             - Luke 1:78-79

Today I am choosing God’s light and refuse to sulk in the darkness. While my trial is painful, I have so much to be thankful for and this too shall pass.

                “At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don’t give up.”  

                      - Galatians 6:9

Oh Birthdays...

A birthday celebration took place today at work. I do love birthdays, who doesn’t?? A day all about you! However, today’s birthday celebration was not in honor of me but for a co-worker. She has recently joined our office and we had to “initiate” her into the birthday celebration ritual, which basically means having decorations on every surface of your desk. (Shoot! I should’ve taken a picture!)

So we have the decorations covered, thanks to yours truly and another sneaky co-worker, presents, and what else… CUPCAKES!!!! No birthday would be complete without the previously stated. And if anyone truly knows me, they know that I love me some sweets and normally have a difficult time stopping at one, hence why I was overweight for the majority of the life. Anyways! Since I have been on my weight loss journey, sweets and I have established a love/hate relationship. I love to eat them but my body hates them. 

This morning I walk into the break room and low and behold there they are… beautiful cupcakes!!!! If there could be a light glowing about them and angels singing “aaaaahhhhh” it would have been a perfect moment. I think to myself “Crap! I really want one! No! It’s only 8 am for crying out loud!” I continue to have this back and forth conversation with myself and finally decide against having one. I go to my desk and start my days work. Now the thing you should know is to get to my desk, I have to walk past the break room EVERYTIME!! And everytime those delicious little devils are calling my name. “Bridgette!!!!”

I finally decide that I need  want some chocolate, but I know that the cupcakes will cost be roughly 300-400 calories, that is not in my calorie budget folks! I settle for a small 50 calorie Peppermint Pattie and the urge for more chocolate is gone. It is a small step but it is a step in the right direction.

We all have our weaknesses and temptations, we may not always get it right but if we keep striving to be better it won’t always be a struggle. Take it one day, one step, and one breath at a time.

Be Fearless!

                                           (This is my background picture on my phone. It's a constant reminder)

Why is it that we let fear control our ability to take chances? Lately, I feel like I have fallen into a mode of complacency. I have all these amazing ideas and things I want to do and places I want to see but I let fear rip them from my grasp. I can just see it running around saying “HAHA! I have your hopes and dreams sucker!” I want to be courageous; I want to walk up to fear and say “No! You can’t have my hopes and dreams!” and take them back.  

Funny thing about fear is that it comes in all different shapes and sizes. This is a little hint of what fear looks like for me:

“I don’t have enough money to go do that”

“I don’t have anyone to go with”

“That’s too dangerous”

“I might get lost”

Fear!! Why do I let you control my life?! Don’t get me wrong I have gotten a lot better over the years and feel growth happening as I type this but I wonder what it would be like to say “what the hell!” and just go for it!

“So what if I don’t have enough money to do that, I will save!”

“I will ask around and see if anyone is interested. If not, I will figure something out!”

“Is it really too dangerous or am I just a little chick who doesn’t like to leave mama hen?”

“SO WHAT IF I GET LOST!! I will stop and ask for directions! You have a great invention called an IPhone, USE IT!!!”

Last night I was over at a friend’s house and I kept telling her, “You are so adventurous and take risks! I wish I was more like that!” She proceeded to disagree with me and said that no one would ever describe her as an “adventurous risk taker”, but that is how I see her, and she always inspires me to strive for more! From this conversation we decided to create a small list of things we wanted to do/places we wanted to go and we have a year to complete them. We never discussed what would happen if we didn’t complete them. Any hoo! Be on the lookout for more risks from yours truly! What did you do today that was a risk for you?



Eyes Wide Open

On my way to the gym yesterday I saw a blind person navigating their way down Stevens Rd. by themselves. At first I wasn’t sure what was happening because as I began to approach the stoplight I saw a person in the crosswalk, as I got closer, they began to run. I didn’t understand because we had plenty of distance between us; that’s when I saw they had a white cane with red stripes. As I sat at the stoplight I watched this person find their way by using said cane. I watched as they came close to the end of the sidewalk and I winced expecting them to fall, but they corrected themselves and went on. I couldn’t help to think how brave this person was to be exploring the world in darkness.

Seeing someone struggle to get somewhere really helped put my workouts into perspective for me, I have a healthy body and can get myself where I need to go without anyone’s help but yet I complain about it every step of the way. This was definitely God’s way of humbling me and making me thankful for what I can control in my life.    

This morning before work, I read Colossians 2:12-13 and it reminded me before coming to Christ my life was a dark place that was filled with sin and unhappiness. Yes, I had my happy days but that happiness normally came from sinful things or foods that only provided momentary happiness but nothing that lasted. Since coming to Christ my life has been abundantly full of love, not only for myself but from new friends. I have this amazing group of friends (new and old) that I adore being around and laugh often with.

Last year I worked on losing 50 pounds, this year I’m growing myself spiritually and emotionally. The last few weeks have been hard concerning my eating, and I know that they were in the past, but for some reason this struggle feels like something else. In some aspects I’m rediscovering foods like bacon and sausage, which I thought were awful for me but in MODERATION they are ok. Moderation is my key word for 2012. I want to enjoy food but in moderation. If I want a piece of bread I will have one slice, not two. I want to say that I can have sweets in moderation, but something about sugar makes my brain click into overdrive and I end up overeating and setting myself back. So, in addition to moderation I want my “treats” at night to consist of only natural sweets, like fruit. My favorite “treat” right now is 1 cup coconut milk and ½ cup blueberries blended, yummy!!

With all that said I’m on my way to being on track. I have my goals set out and a plan to achieve them, now it is time to put the work in and see the results happen. Yesterday I was weak, today I am a little stronger, and tomorrow I will be stronger than yesterday.

Where There's a Will, There's a Way!

A lot of habits have changed for me since I started living a healthier life; the obvious changes are my eating, exercising, and being aware that my decisions about what I put in my body have consequences.  Since July 2010 I’ve worked very hard to make these changes from a have to, to a want to. These changes aren’t temporary, they are forever. Do I slip up sometimes and eating an obscene amount of food in one sitting? Yes! But I pick up at my next choice and keep going forward.

In establishing healthy habits into my life I still recognize a few unhealthy habits that I’ve decided I want to change.  I find that I become obsessed and zone out in front of the TV for hours and the next thing I know, it’s time for bed. My life is passing me by one TV show at a time. I realize this as an unhealthy habit that I want to change, and I am committed to make the change.

The change I want to make the most is obviously how much TV I watch. In the past fall TV used to be something I looked forward too, I guess it still is, but in a different way – let me explain. In previous years I’ve waited in anticipation for the fall TV guide to come out with all the new shows listed. Once it did, I would print it out and start highlighting the shows that looked interesting and/or reoccurring favorites of mine. At times that list had consisted of 10 different shows if not more. I would write down in my planner what shows I would watch at home and then I would make a spreadsheet using excel to organize the shows that I needed to record. I guess you could call it my hobby, lame I know, but it was. I was trying to fill a void in my life with mindless entertainment.

Since recognizing this unhealthy habit, I have limited my shows on cable to only three. This is a vast improvement since last year. Because I’ve limited my cable TV intake to only three hours a week I inadvertently picked up another unhealthy choice regarding Netflix. I noticed that instead of zoning out between the hours of 8-10 pm via cable TV I was now more flexible because I was using Netflix. But the flexibility spun out of control and I was sitting on my butt from the time I came home. I thought to myself “I can stop anytime I want, I have more control” – so I thought. Since realizing yet another unhealthy TV habit I have dwindled my DVDs from three at-a-time to ONE-at-a-time! Moderation is the key that I am coming to realize and appreciate. It’s amazing to me what I choose to give power too.

 Empowered is what I’m feeling now, the ability to choose how and where I spend my time. I have had this control all along but never realized how I was debilitating myself through my choices. It seems I’ve replaced one bad habit for another, but you know what, I’m aware of it and that is the most important thing to me. I make the choices; therefore I suffer the consequences but also relish in the victories as well.

The other night was just a taste of how these small but massive changes how affected me. After work I went to the gym for half an hour when I came home I prepared dinner, while it was cooking I unloaded and loaded the dishwasher. By the time I did this dinner was done. I took my plate to the dinner TABLE and ate my dinner while I enjoyed reading my book. (Another goal: sit at the table for my meals) Once I finished dinner and picked up the kitchen I cleaned my bathroom and organized my kitchen cabinets. When I finished that, I looked at the clock and saw that I had some time left before bed, so I read my Bible and then TREATED myself with an episode from a show I am currently watching and actually found myself enjoying it more and not being distracted by other mindlessness. The episode ended and I saw I had 20 minutes before bed so I thought “perfect amount of time to catch up on some pinterest.”

As I went to bed that night I didn’t feel like I “should have done this or I should have done that,” I was content and happy with myself. This year my values and priorities have changed. Do I still enjoy watching my shows, yes! But there are other activities in my life that are more worthwhile. Working out and taking care of myself is one of those activities. This year when the fall preview came out I was faced with reality. I thought to myself, “There is no way I can get my workouts in, prepare for the next day, and keep up with housework all before 8 p.m. I have to give something up and it’s not going to be my workouts.” In that moment I made a choice to take care of me and in the process I found a freeness that wasn’t there before. It just shows me where there’s a will there’s a way.

Setbacks

I don’t know what happened to me this last week; all I know is that I fell off the wagon hard!! Since I started my weight loss journey I’ve had my fair share of ups and downs with food and exercise, but I have to say that recently I feel like I have been doing pretty well. I allow myself to have a cheat meal sometimes two but then I know that it is right back to healthy eating and exercise after that. But this last week was brutal! Monday and Tuesday I was sick and my diet mostly consisted of saltine crackers and Gatorade. Wednesday I was feeling much better, I didn’t have a huge appetite but I was able to go to work, which was nice. I decided it best not to push myself too fast so I didn’t go to boot camp.

Thursday is when the "you know what" hit the fan! My day started out normal, oatmeal for breakfast, packed my healthy lunch and off to work I went. Then things started falling apart and for some reason the stress got to me. Then I thought “Man, a bacon cheeseburger and fries sound good, and it will make me feel better.” I knew in the back of my mind that I shouldn’t, I had my lunch packed, and I was prepared! I was weak in the moment and off I went to get my bacon cheeseburger and fries. It was satisfying but the minute I was done I could feel the grease coating my insides. I felt horrible, my stomach hurt and I was tired. But the sad thing is I didn’t regret it.

I didn’t regret it until I got on the scale Friday morning and I was up 2.4 pounds! I knew I was going to be up, I can’t eat that way and not be up. I didn’t get mad because even though I still haven’t reached my goal,  I knew that I could lose that 2.4 pounds and be on my way to getting on track again. Friday I tried really hard to eat within my calorie budget but by the time I was off work I was craving Mexican food bad!! I had a free frozen yogurt from the Yogurt Hut so I decided to treat myself. When I left Yogurt Hut I kept going back and forth “should I stop and get Mexican food? No I can’t stop!” I gripped my steering wheel and focused as I drove straight home, avoiding any Mexican restaurants. I decided I could make a bean burrito at home and that should hold me over on my craving. Then I got the great idea to fry it in olive oil so it was crunchy! While it wasn’t exactly what I wanted it did curb the craving for day.

Saturday morning came and I woke up early and went on a six mile walk with my aunt. I was starting to feel like I was getting a handle on my healthy lifestyle again. But then I heard something that hit me wrong and I instantly was in a bad mood and wanted nothing but greasy fast food again! I found myself going to Taco Bell for dinner and eating a Mexican Pizza, Volcano Taco, Cheesy Gordita Crunch, and some of my mom’s nachos. I couldn’t believe that I just consumed all that food. Now if you are a calorie counter like me I just consumed about 1480 calories in one meal! It was ridiculous! Once I left my mom’s house I went home and had a big bowl of frozen yogurt; all this because of something so small but big to me. Normally I can keep my emotions in check and find a different outlet for my frustrations but Saturday I reverted back to my old habits and it started to scare me a little. Will I be able to stop and get back on track or will this past year of hard work be for nothing?

I knew that this behavior was unacceptable for me so I made a choice and stayed within my calories on Sunday and chose good healthy food. Monday morning I would start back up with my boot camp class and hit the gym. This last week was only a setback not a failure. I learned that I refuse to let myself fall back into those unhealthy habits ever again! I don’t like how I feel about myself when I choose to eat like that. I know that a healthy lifestyle is what I need now and forever!  

Believe in yourself and you can do anything!